families
Who gets the burnt chop?
09/12/10 09:32
A man calls his mother. “Mom, and how are you."
" Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because, I haven't eaten in 38 days."
" Mama," the man says, "that's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
The family is sitting down to dinner: lamb chops, an Australian favourite. Mum has cooked the dinner, and arrives at the table with a tray full of meat. Who does she give the best cut of meat to? Dad, of course. Other bits are served out to others at the table. There’s a burnt chop at the bottom of the pile. This, it almost goes without saying, ends up on mum’s plate. The kids look at mum’s burnt self-offering, and experience a dilemma created by masochism: How do I, in good conscience, eat my nice chop that mum has slaved over, while mum has to chew on her crappy one? To sit by and let her suffer makes me callous, unloving. How to resolve this? Perhaps I try to swap my portion with mum’s... and mum immediately puts up such a fight for her piece of carbon that eventually everyone gives up, with the impression that she’d rather die than have anyone else endure her terrible cooking.
This masochistic dynamic plays out in families and relationships everywhere. For some, it can make family dinner something to dread. For others, it may over time develop into an entrenched feeling of guilt; how can I enjoy my life if there are people suffering out there? In some cases, this guilt-ridden person may go on to become a mother herself, and in turn fight tooth and nail to be left with the burnt chop from the bottom of the pile.
It is a common stereotype of the masochist that they are self-sacrificing martyrs, who want the other person to have pleasure at their expense. The term ‘masochist’ was first coined in 1883 by German neurologist Richard von Krafft-Ebing, from the name of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, the Austrian novelist who enshrined his submissive sexuality in a novella titled "Venus in Furs." The relationship depicted in this story involves a man asking his lover to make him her slave. Initially she is excited at this game, but eventually finds it tiresome. Early psychoanalytic theorists such as Jacques Lacan insisted that, rather than masochists wanting the pleasure to be in the other, they instead need the other to feel anxious on the masochist’s behalf. The masochist’s anxiety is about not being able to be a free, independent and autonomous human being who can have desires fulfilled. Rather than act to achieve this independence, for example by having someone else cook dinner for them, they hold onto the trapped part of themselves, and project their anxiety into another person - the person who is forced to eat their well-made dinner and watch mother eat her overcooked one.
You may be reading this, and thinking about christmas day get-togethers. Will there be any masochistic moments on christmas day? After all, ‘tis better to give than to receive! So, is there a good strategy to use when dealing with masochists? Well, yes and no. Ultimately, someone has to eat the burnt chop. But maybe someone, perhaps dad, can step in and establish a fairer division of pleasure and pain. One way this fairer deal might be found is by saying “look, I’ll have the burnt chop tonight, and tomorrow night it’s your turn.” That way everybody gets to have a fair share of pleasure and pain.
" Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because, I haven't eaten in 38 days."
" Mama," the man says, "that's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
The family is sitting down to dinner: lamb chops, an Australian favourite. Mum has cooked the dinner, and arrives at the table with a tray full of meat. Who does she give the best cut of meat to? Dad, of course. Other bits are served out to others at the table. There’s a burnt chop at the bottom of the pile. This, it almost goes without saying, ends up on mum’s plate. The kids look at mum’s burnt self-offering, and experience a dilemma created by masochism: How do I, in good conscience, eat my nice chop that mum has slaved over, while mum has to chew on her crappy one? To sit by and let her suffer makes me callous, unloving. How to resolve this? Perhaps I try to swap my portion with mum’s... and mum immediately puts up such a fight for her piece of carbon that eventually everyone gives up, with the impression that she’d rather die than have anyone else endure her terrible cooking.
This masochistic dynamic plays out in families and relationships everywhere. For some, it can make family dinner something to dread. For others, it may over time develop into an entrenched feeling of guilt; how can I enjoy my life if there are people suffering out there? In some cases, this guilt-ridden person may go on to become a mother herself, and in turn fight tooth and nail to be left with the burnt chop from the bottom of the pile.
It is a common stereotype of the masochist that they are self-sacrificing martyrs, who want the other person to have pleasure at their expense. The term ‘masochist’ was first coined in 1883 by German neurologist Richard von Krafft-Ebing, from the name of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, the Austrian novelist who enshrined his submissive sexuality in a novella titled "Venus in Furs." The relationship depicted in this story involves a man asking his lover to make him her slave. Initially she is excited at this game, but eventually finds it tiresome. Early psychoanalytic theorists such as Jacques Lacan insisted that, rather than masochists wanting the pleasure to be in the other, they instead need the other to feel anxious on the masochist’s behalf. The masochist’s anxiety is about not being able to be a free, independent and autonomous human being who can have desires fulfilled. Rather than act to achieve this independence, for example by having someone else cook dinner for them, they hold onto the trapped part of themselves, and project their anxiety into another person - the person who is forced to eat their well-made dinner and watch mother eat her overcooked one.
You may be reading this, and thinking about christmas day get-togethers. Will there be any masochistic moments on christmas day? After all, ‘tis better to give than to receive! So, is there a good strategy to use when dealing with masochists? Well, yes and no. Ultimately, someone has to eat the burnt chop. But maybe someone, perhaps dad, can step in and establish a fairer division of pleasure and pain. One way this fairer deal might be found is by saying “look, I’ll have the burnt chop tonight, and tomorrow night it’s your turn.” That way everybody gets to have a fair share of pleasure and pain.
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