Narcissism
Einfeld: a case study in narcissistic blindness?
25/03/09 12:18
This week, former Federal Court Judge Marcus Einfeld was sentenced to a minimum of two years’ gaol for perjury. For a reasonable background to this story, checkout the wikipedia entry via this link. Suffice it to say here that Einfeld was convicted for lying under oath about a speeding fine, saying that a person who was later revealed to be dead at the time was driving his car when it was photographed travelling up to 10 km/h over the speed limit.
You may have read my earlier post about naked narcissism; about the legend of Narcissus, who fell in love with a reflection of himself. While the obvious frustration of trying to interact with a naked narcissist is their persistent self-absorption, in my view there is a form of madness at the heart of the narcissism, and it is this: If real-life events contradict a narcissist’s view of himself, he will ignore, deny or otherwise eliminate the inconsitency by favouring his own view. When pushed, a naked narcissist will simply refute reality itself if it contradicts part of her own perfect self-image. This wilful blindness is exemplified by comments Mr. Einfeld makes in a pre-sentencing interview conducted on ABC’s Four Corners Program.
For example, when asked by journalist Sarah Ferguson “Do you have a habit of dishonesty?”, he replies firmly: “No I'm not dishonest, no, no. I mean, I don't want to be offensive but that's a bit offensive and I don't think I'm in the slightest bit dishonest. I just made a mistake.” The point here is that, honestly, all of us can be dishonest at times. To say otherwise is itself dishonest. It is discussed in the program that Einfeld had received infringements notices in the past and “On each occasion in sworn statements he named friends of his from the US and the UK as the drivers, when records showed that none of them were in Australia at the time.” When asked if this shows a “pattern of dishonesty”, Einfeld states that these were not deliberate lies, they were “mistakes”. When Sarah Ferguson says there are “it looks like a lot of mistakes”, Einfeld initially agrees, then says “No it's not a lot of mistakes, I'm sorry. There were three events plus this one. I've admitted to this one. If I'd been called upon to meet the others I might have admitted to one of those when I'd got the facts and I'd checked up on them. It might have been, it might have been possible. But so ah, and I might have not, I might have not admitted to two or one or something of the kind. So maybe there were two occasions let's say at the majority, at the maximum in the past which I might have admitted to if I'd been called upon to do so.”
That’s the thing about narcissism: it’s all about being married to a rigid, ultimately unrealistically idealized view of one’s self, and sticking to that view, even if reality (in the form of a TV journalist asking the question outright on the eve of your sentencing for dishonest behaviour) shows otherwise. So here’s some more honesty: you are narcissistic too. We are all narcissistic, to some degree. Without at least a bit of it, you’d be a complete doormat, easily led in whatever direction someone else with a bit of narcissism wanted to lead you. Narcissism is only a problem if you deny your faults, try to pretend you don’t have them, or otherwise get caught up in a naiive fantasy about your own flawlessness. To do so is itself naked narcissism, and may result in you eventually getting a rude shock, like Marcus Einfeld did. To quote him: “obviously [with hindsight]I would have not done what I did, and it was an aberration, completely mad.” The self-delusion that is required in order to sustain that narcissistic view of self is the madness at the heart of naked narcissism. “I don't have any idea how and why I did it now. I just lost my senses at the wrong moment. I'm certainly sorry to the public at large because they have been in effect my audience over the years, audiences over the years.” A naked narcissist is a performer who never admits lying to his audience.
You may have read my earlier post about naked narcissism; about the legend of Narcissus, who fell in love with a reflection of himself. While the obvious frustration of trying to interact with a naked narcissist is their persistent self-absorption, in my view there is a form of madness at the heart of the narcissism, and it is this: If real-life events contradict a narcissist’s view of himself, he will ignore, deny or otherwise eliminate the inconsitency by favouring his own view. When pushed, a naked narcissist will simply refute reality itself if it contradicts part of her own perfect self-image. This wilful blindness is exemplified by comments Mr. Einfeld makes in a pre-sentencing interview conducted on ABC’s Four Corners Program.
For example, when asked by journalist Sarah Ferguson “Do you have a habit of dishonesty?”, he replies firmly: “No I'm not dishonest, no, no. I mean, I don't want to be offensive but that's a bit offensive and I don't think I'm in the slightest bit dishonest. I just made a mistake.” The point here is that, honestly, all of us can be dishonest at times. To say otherwise is itself dishonest. It is discussed in the program that Einfeld had received infringements notices in the past and “On each occasion in sworn statements he named friends of his from the US and the UK as the drivers, when records showed that none of them were in Australia at the time.” When asked if this shows a “pattern of dishonesty”, Einfeld states that these were not deliberate lies, they were “mistakes”. When Sarah Ferguson says there are “it looks like a lot of mistakes”, Einfeld initially agrees, then says “No it's not a lot of mistakes, I'm sorry. There were three events plus this one. I've admitted to this one. If I'd been called upon to meet the others I might have admitted to one of those when I'd got the facts and I'd checked up on them. It might have been, it might have been possible. But so ah, and I might have not, I might have not admitted to two or one or something of the kind. So maybe there were two occasions let's say at the majority, at the maximum in the past which I might have admitted to if I'd been called upon to do so.”
That’s the thing about narcissism: it’s all about being married to a rigid, ultimately unrealistically idealized view of one’s self, and sticking to that view, even if reality (in the form of a TV journalist asking the question outright on the eve of your sentencing for dishonest behaviour) shows otherwise. So here’s some more honesty: you are narcissistic too. We are all narcissistic, to some degree. Without at least a bit of it, you’d be a complete doormat, easily led in whatever direction someone else with a bit of narcissism wanted to lead you. Narcissism is only a problem if you deny your faults, try to pretend you don’t have them, or otherwise get caught up in a naiive fantasy about your own flawlessness. To do so is itself naked narcissism, and may result in you eventually getting a rude shock, like Marcus Einfeld did. To quote him: “obviously [with hindsight]I would have not done what I did, and it was an aberration, completely mad.” The self-delusion that is required in order to sustain that narcissistic view of self is the madness at the heart of naked narcissism. “I don't have any idea how and why I did it now. I just lost my senses at the wrong moment. I'm certainly sorry to the public at large because they have been in effect my audience over the years, audiences over the years.” A naked narcissist is a performer who never admits lying to his audience.
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Narcissism is not a dirty word
05/01/09 18:31
Here's a new year's resolution: be more narcissistic. The term has gotten a bad name over the years, what with it being related to a Greek Tragic Figure and all. Freud (1910) first coined the term as it is used today in an essay on Leonardo DaVinci, where he described Leonardo's favourable treatment of young male students as narcissistic, because he loved them "in the way in which his mother loved him when he was a child...for Narcissus, according to Greek legend, was a youth who preferred his own reflection to everything else..." (p. 100). An entertaining article on narcissism in Psychology Today opines that narcissism "...isn't just a combination of monumental self-esteem and rudeness...it ranges from a tendency to a serious clinical disorder".
So what is Narcissism? Popularly it is a term used to describe an arrogant, self-absorbed person. In her magnificently assertive self-help book, "Children of The Self-Absorbed", Nina Brown describes the "Destructive Narcissistic Parent" as having "behaviors and attitudes that are designed to preserve a self-image of perfection, entitlement, and superiority" (p.1). The key idea here seems to be that being narcissistic means trying to cling to an image of yourself, in spite of the feelings or needs of the people around you. This may seem like a selfish, and therefore bad way to be; if you are putting yourself and your own sense of self above that of other people, you certainly aren't going to win friends or influence people. However, stop and think for a second what life would be like if you had no capacity to put your own needs, feelings and opinions above those of the people around you? How would you fare in negotiations? How suceptible to influence would you become? How would you deal with a narcissistic person if you encountered them?
Perhaps it's better to view narcissism as part of a well-rounded self, taking its place alongside other helpful attributes such as curiosity, sexuality, intelligence and emotion. Wtihout any one of these elements, your wellbeing diminishes, yet if any of these elements was to become too dominant, you might begin to have difficulty relating to other people, or to yourself. This might be a way to understand what is means to be "well-adjusted"; you have all of the necessary components of a well-rounded self, and all of these parts of you are in balance with each other. If your emotions start to get too dominant, you intellect may be activated as a way of bringing things back under control. If you start to 'over-analyze' things, your sensual side might allow for you to simply sit and let life happen. Similarly, if your strong sense of self starts to poison your relationships with other people, your curiosity may kick in to allow you to be more aware of their feelings or way of seeing things.
So it's naked narcissism, unchecked by the humanizing influence of empathy, which is the real source of distress, particularly if you are trying to have a close and satisfying relationship with a naked narcissist. If you are in such a relationship, the most concise advice I can offer is: fight fire with fire. The best protection you have against another person's malignant narcissism is your own narcissism. This is why victims of domestic violence are often encouraged to get in touch with their own anger. Why assertiveness training typically includes lessons in handing over responsibility to others for making the interaction go smoothly. This is why Nina Brown devotes a chapter in her book to helping Children of the Self-Absorbed 'Build, Develop and Fortify your "Self"'.
So if you want to build healthy narcissism, try the following:
- Try to begin more sentences with "I..." - Try saying "no" when you want to say "yes". - Reverse the golden rule: "do unto yourself as you would have yourself do unto others".
References:
Brown, N. (2001). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcisstic Parents. New Harbinger, Oakland.
Freud, S. (1910). Leonardo Da Vinci and a Memory of His Childhood. In J. Strachey and A. Freud (Eds.). The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Vol. XI: Five Lectures on Psycho-Analysis, Leonardo Da Vinci and Other Works. Hogarth Press, London.
So what is Narcissism? Popularly it is a term used to describe an arrogant, self-absorbed person. In her magnificently assertive self-help book, "Children of The Self-Absorbed", Nina Brown describes the "Destructive Narcissistic Parent" as having "behaviors and attitudes that are designed to preserve a self-image of perfection, entitlement, and superiority" (p.1). The key idea here seems to be that being narcissistic means trying to cling to an image of yourself, in spite of the feelings or needs of the people around you. This may seem like a selfish, and therefore bad way to be; if you are putting yourself and your own sense of self above that of other people, you certainly aren't going to win friends or influence people. However, stop and think for a second what life would be like if you had no capacity to put your own needs, feelings and opinions above those of the people around you? How would you fare in negotiations? How suceptible to influence would you become? How would you deal with a narcissistic person if you encountered them?
Perhaps it's better to view narcissism as part of a well-rounded self, taking its place alongside other helpful attributes such as curiosity, sexuality, intelligence and emotion. Wtihout any one of these elements, your wellbeing diminishes, yet if any of these elements was to become too dominant, you might begin to have difficulty relating to other people, or to yourself. This might be a way to understand what is means to be "well-adjusted"; you have all of the necessary components of a well-rounded self, and all of these parts of you are in balance with each other. If your emotions start to get too dominant, you intellect may be activated as a way of bringing things back under control. If you start to 'over-analyze' things, your sensual side might allow for you to simply sit and let life happen. Similarly, if your strong sense of self starts to poison your relationships with other people, your curiosity may kick in to allow you to be more aware of their feelings or way of seeing things.
So it's naked narcissism, unchecked by the humanizing influence of empathy, which is the real source of distress, particularly if you are trying to have a close and satisfying relationship with a naked narcissist. If you are in such a relationship, the most concise advice I can offer is: fight fire with fire. The best protection you have against another person's malignant narcissism is your own narcissism. This is why victims of domestic violence are often encouraged to get in touch with their own anger. Why assertiveness training typically includes lessons in handing over responsibility to others for making the interaction go smoothly. This is why Nina Brown devotes a chapter in her book to helping Children of the Self-Absorbed 'Build, Develop and Fortify your "Self"'.
So if you want to build healthy narcissism, try the following:
- Try to begin more sentences with "I..." - Try saying "no" when you want to say "yes". - Reverse the golden rule: "do unto yourself as you would have yourself do unto others".
References:
Brown, N. (2001). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcisstic Parents. New Harbinger, Oakland.
Freud, S. (1910). Leonardo Da Vinci and a Memory of His Childhood. In J. Strachey and A. Freud (Eds.). The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Vol. XI: Five Lectures on Psycho-Analysis, Leonardo Da Vinci and Other Works. Hogarth Press, London.