The joy of "no"

17/04/08 17:42 Filed in: Relationships

Scenario: a young child sits playing with some toys. Her mother walks into the room, and says "come on, it's time to go and pick up your brother". She looks up, and with the smallest hint of a smile, says "no." Now what? In every toddler's life, there comes a moment when they discover that they exist independently of others. It dawns on them that they have feelings, needs, wants, and ideas, that are uniquely their own, and not anyone else's. This creates both a crisis and an opportunity. The crisis: Because they are unique, then there will necessarily be times when they are the only one who feels how they feel, thinks what they think, or wants what they want. This is a crisis because it has the potential to be a very isolating experience: what if no-one understands how I feel, or wants what I want? If I'm the only one who wants it, can I still have it? How can I co-exist with others who are not the same as me? The opportunity: It feels good to be me. My uniqueness is proof-positive that I exist. To mis-quote Descartes: 'I am unique, therefore I am.' The toddler who simply, but triumphantly, says "no" to his mother, just for the sheer rebellion of it, is experiencing a joy that many people these days deprive themselves of. Many people are unsuccessful in their attempts to change for the simple reason that they couldn't work out how to safely say "no". The fear of "no" is that it will be met with guilt, shame, or rejection. The joy of "no" is the joy that comes from feeling safe to be yourself, be different to others, but not have to pay a penalty for it. So the next time you meet a non-compliant child, or a teen 'rebel', be grateful. Just think how boring the world would be if we were all the same! Of course, you may read this and decide that you disagree with what is written here. What joy!