Jan 2009
Narcissism is not a dirty word
05/01/09 18:31 Filed in: Narcissism
Here's a new year's resolution: be more narcissistic. The term has gotten a bad name over the years, what with it being related to a Greek Tragic Figure and all. Freud (1910) first coined the term as it is used today in an essay on Leonardo DaVinci, where he described Leonardo's favourable treatment of young male students as narcissistic, because he loved them "in the way in which his mother loved him when he was a child...for Narcissus, according to Greek legend, was a youth who preferred his own reflection to everything else..." (p. 100). An entertaining article on narcissism in Psychology Today opines that narcissism "...isn't just a combination of monumental self-esteem and rudeness...it ranges from a tendency to a serious clinical disorder".
So what is Narcissism? Popularly it is a term used to describe an arrogant, self-absorbed person. In her magnificently assertive self-help book, "Children of The Self-Absorbed", Nina Brown describes the "Destructive Narcissistic Parent" as having "behaviors and attitudes that are designed to preserve a self-image of perfection, entitlement, and superiority" (p.1). The key idea here seems to be that being narcissistic means trying to cling to an image of yourself, in spite of the feelings or needs of the people around you. This may seem like a selfish, and therefore bad way to be; if you are putting yourself and your own sense of self above that of other people, you certainly aren't going to win friends or influence people. However, stop and think for a second what life would be like if you had no capacity to put your own needs, feelings and opinions above those of the people around you? How would you fare in negotiations? How suceptible to influence would you become? How would you deal with a narcissistic person if you encountered them?
Perhaps it's better to view narcissism as part of a well-rounded self, taking its place alongside other helpful attributes such as curiosity, sexuality, intelligence and emotion. Wtihout any one of these elements, your wellbeing diminishes, yet if any of these elements was to become too dominant, you might begin to have difficulty relating to other people, or to yourself. This might be a way to understand what is means to be "well-adjusted"; you have all of the necessary components of a well-rounded self, and all of these parts of you are in balance with each other. If your emotions start to get too dominant, you intellect may be activated as a way of bringing things back under control. If you start to 'over-analyze' things, your sensual side might allow for you to simply sit and let life happen. Similarly, if your strong sense of self starts to poison your relationships with other people, your curiosity may kick in to allow you to be more aware of their feelings or way of seeing things.
So it's naked narcissism, unchecked by the humanizing influence of empathy, which is the real source of distress, particularly if you are trying to have a close and satisfying relationship with a naked narcissist. If you are in such a relationship, the most concise advice I can offer is: fight fire with fire. The best protection you have against another person's malignant narcissism is your own narcissism. This is why victims of domestic violence are often encouraged to get in touch with their own anger. Why assertiveness training typically includes lessons in handing over responsibility to others for making the interaction go smoothly. This is why Nina Brown devotes a chapter in her book to helping Children of the Self-Absorbed 'Build, Develop and Fortify your "Self"'.
So if you want to build healthy narcissism, try the following:
- Try to begin more sentences with "I..." - Try saying "no" when you want to say "yes". - Reverse the golden rule: "do unto yourself as you would have yourself do unto others".
References:
Brown, N. (2001). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcisstic Parents. New Harbinger, Oakland.
Freud, S. (1910). Leonardo Da Vinci and a Memory of His Childhood. In J. Strachey and A. Freud (Eds.). The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Vol. XI: Five Lectures on Psycho-Analysis, Leonardo Da Vinci and Other Works. Hogarth Press, London.
So what is Narcissism? Popularly it is a term used to describe an arrogant, self-absorbed person. In her magnificently assertive self-help book, "Children of The Self-Absorbed", Nina Brown describes the "Destructive Narcissistic Parent" as having "behaviors and attitudes that are designed to preserve a self-image of perfection, entitlement, and superiority" (p.1). The key idea here seems to be that being narcissistic means trying to cling to an image of yourself, in spite of the feelings or needs of the people around you. This may seem like a selfish, and therefore bad way to be; if you are putting yourself and your own sense of self above that of other people, you certainly aren't going to win friends or influence people. However, stop and think for a second what life would be like if you had no capacity to put your own needs, feelings and opinions above those of the people around you? How would you fare in negotiations? How suceptible to influence would you become? How would you deal with a narcissistic person if you encountered them?
Perhaps it's better to view narcissism as part of a well-rounded self, taking its place alongside other helpful attributes such as curiosity, sexuality, intelligence and emotion. Wtihout any one of these elements, your wellbeing diminishes, yet if any of these elements was to become too dominant, you might begin to have difficulty relating to other people, or to yourself. This might be a way to understand what is means to be "well-adjusted"; you have all of the necessary components of a well-rounded self, and all of these parts of you are in balance with each other. If your emotions start to get too dominant, you intellect may be activated as a way of bringing things back under control. If you start to 'over-analyze' things, your sensual side might allow for you to simply sit and let life happen. Similarly, if your strong sense of self starts to poison your relationships with other people, your curiosity may kick in to allow you to be more aware of their feelings or way of seeing things.
So it's naked narcissism, unchecked by the humanizing influence of empathy, which is the real source of distress, particularly if you are trying to have a close and satisfying relationship with a naked narcissist. If you are in such a relationship, the most concise advice I can offer is: fight fire with fire. The best protection you have against another person's malignant narcissism is your own narcissism. This is why victims of domestic violence are often encouraged to get in touch with their own anger. Why assertiveness training typically includes lessons in handing over responsibility to others for making the interaction go smoothly. This is why Nina Brown devotes a chapter in her book to helping Children of the Self-Absorbed 'Build, Develop and Fortify your "Self"'.
So if you want to build healthy narcissism, try the following:
- Try to begin more sentences with "I..." - Try saying "no" when you want to say "yes". - Reverse the golden rule: "do unto yourself as you would have yourself do unto others".
References:
Brown, N. (2001). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcisstic Parents. New Harbinger, Oakland.
Freud, S. (1910). Leonardo Da Vinci and a Memory of His Childhood. In J. Strachey and A. Freud (Eds.). The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Vol. XI: Five Lectures on Psycho-Analysis, Leonardo Da Vinci and Other Works. Hogarth Press, London.
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