mind<->body
touchy-feely
20/06/09 13:25
“My family wasn’t very touchy-feely.” This is often a comment made by people when talking with a therapist about their family. Why should this be important? There’s no entry in the DSM-IV Diagnostic Manual listing “wasn’t hugged by parents” as a mental illness. However there is a powerful link between touch and emotion and this is both a blessing and a curse, depending on your situation. A newborn infant doesn’t have an established sense of her own skin; she doesn’t have the ability to close her eyes and know where all her limbs are; she doesn’t even know that the limbs that she sees in front of her as hers. Touch has a key role in helping the newborn ‘feel herself’. The things that parents may do instinctively, such as cuddling, rocking, patting, whispering or murmuring in the ear, all serve to soothe the baby by giving a sensory ‘anchor-point’ to herself and her surroundings.
Much the same way a musician may use a ticking clock to keep time, a baby uses the palpable feelings of surfaces, sounds, familiar shapes (such as circular faces) and even smells to re-orient himself and ‘find his feet’. Without the availability of such cues (for example, if left lying unwrapped in a dark, quiet unfamiliar room), the experience might be a bit like free-falling through space. Adults who have experienced serious deprivation as infants sometimes report terrifying nightmares where they are falling, flailing through the air, or where their skin is flimsy and unable to stop their insides from ‘leaking out’.
Scary stuff. Without the grounding experience of touch, children may develop ‘autistic’ soothing behaviours, such as rocking, tapping, humming, or staring at a repetitive visual such as a flickering light. Ever catch yourself doing one of these? Puts Rave parties in a new perspective, doesn’t it? Add the sucking of a lollipop and you’ve got the complete infant soothing package!
Touch can also be used to activate or de-activate a person quite effectively. A light brushing touch has the effect of jangling-up the senses, causing restlessness and neurological arousal. One nice example where this might occur is during foreplay. Meanwhile, deep, heavy touching or squeezing can dampen-down the nervous system; anyone who has had a long deep tissue massage will know the woozy sleepy feeling that it leaves you with. More simply, a five-second hug can be immediately soothing, if you can find someone to provide one.
If you don’t have access to people (or pets!) who can provide soothing touch, you may find it hard to regulate your emotional states, and have to resort to alternatives such as food, drugs, electronic devices or even ‘doof-doof’ music. Next time you’re feeling your nerve-endings jangling, why not try asking a passer-by for a hug?
Much the same way a musician may use a ticking clock to keep time, a baby uses the palpable feelings of surfaces, sounds, familiar shapes (such as circular faces) and even smells to re-orient himself and ‘find his feet’. Without the availability of such cues (for example, if left lying unwrapped in a dark, quiet unfamiliar room), the experience might be a bit like free-falling through space. Adults who have experienced serious deprivation as infants sometimes report terrifying nightmares where they are falling, flailing through the air, or where their skin is flimsy and unable to stop their insides from ‘leaking out’.
Scary stuff. Without the grounding experience of touch, children may develop ‘autistic’ soothing behaviours, such as rocking, tapping, humming, or staring at a repetitive visual such as a flickering light. Ever catch yourself doing one of these? Puts Rave parties in a new perspective, doesn’t it? Add the sucking of a lollipop and you’ve got the complete infant soothing package!
Touch can also be used to activate or de-activate a person quite effectively. A light brushing touch has the effect of jangling-up the senses, causing restlessness and neurological arousal. One nice example where this might occur is during foreplay. Meanwhile, deep, heavy touching or squeezing can dampen-down the nervous system; anyone who has had a long deep tissue massage will know the woozy sleepy feeling that it leaves you with. More simply, a five-second hug can be immediately soothing, if you can find someone to provide one.
If you don’t have access to people (or pets!) who can provide soothing touch, you may find it hard to regulate your emotional states, and have to resort to alternatives such as food, drugs, electronic devices or even ‘doof-doof’ music. Next time you’re feeling your nerve-endings jangling, why not try asking a passer-by for a hug?
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Let the longing linger
17/03/09 18:35
What does it mean to want something, someone? Ask yourself: What do you want? You may find yourself dreaming of a desired holiday, object, or treat. “What do I want to eat?” might be the sort of question you ask yourself when planning meals for the week. In affluent western society, “want” is synonymous with “anticipate” most of the time. In other words, as soon as we think of something we want, we also think of how we might go about getting it, and usually won’t think about it much more unless it’s to plan or anticipate getting what we want. Depression could therefore be understood as being confronted with one or more powerful desires that cannot be fulfilled. The worst way to be, even worse than not having something, is not having something we want.
“I want to lose weight.”
“I want to quit smoking.”
“I want to be more organised.”
“I want to see more of my family.”
If you have said one or more of these things to yourself or someone else, consider what the feeling was that went with these statements.
“I want to order pizza tonight.”
“I want another drink.”
“I want to go to bed now.”
How about these? Does the word ‘want’ here refer to a longing or an anticipation?
“I want my money back!”
“I want to go home.”
“I want off this merry-go-’round.”
These, in my view, are the types of statements that reflect true ‘want’. You can’t ‘want’ something unless (a) you feel a longing for it; (b) you can’t see how to get it, and (c) there’s nothing you can do to change the situation to make the feeling go away. Sometimes, frustratingly, the only way to get what you ‘want’ (lose weight, quit smoking, be more organised), is to allow for the unpleasant ‘wanting’ feeling to linger long enough to do its job. Think about it: if you ‘want’ to lose weight, sooner or later you’ll have to spend some time, simply sitting with a feeling of ‘want’ (in this case, hunger).
If you really ‘want’ to get what you ‘want’, then you have to let the ‘longing’ linger.
“I want to lose weight.”
“I want to quit smoking.”
“I want to be more organised.”
“I want to see more of my family.”
If you have said one or more of these things to yourself or someone else, consider what the feeling was that went with these statements.
“I want to order pizza tonight.”
“I want another drink.”
“I want to go to bed now.”
How about these? Does the word ‘want’ here refer to a longing or an anticipation?
“I want my money back!”
“I want to go home.”
“I want off this merry-go-’round.”
These, in my view, are the types of statements that reflect true ‘want’. You can’t ‘want’ something unless (a) you feel a longing for it; (b) you can’t see how to get it, and (c) there’s nothing you can do to change the situation to make the feeling go away. Sometimes, frustratingly, the only way to get what you ‘want’ (lose weight, quit smoking, be more organised), is to allow for the unpleasant ‘wanting’ feeling to linger long enough to do its job. Think about it: if you ‘want’ to lose weight, sooner or later you’ll have to spend some time, simply sitting with a feeling of ‘want’ (in this case, hunger).
If you really ‘want’ to get what you ‘want’, then you have to let the ‘longing’ linger.
Who decides?
28/08/08 18:30
Here's a secret: nobody makes decisions on their own. The idea that you weigh up your options, considering the pros and cons, and then pick a course of action to take, is a myth. That may be the way things happen in a commercial or legal or other professional setting, but when it comes to individual people, nobody ever decides to do anything before they do it. The truth is, we only decide after we have acted.
We go about our lives, and one day, for whatever reason, our behaviour changes. If we like the change, we maintain it. If we don't like it, we may go back to the way we were. With hindsight, you may look back at your life and wonder about the decisions you have made. From this angle, they look like strong, discrete forks in the road, and you may feel a sense of agency; that you have pro-actively and decisively chosen the path that your life has taken. What happens when you look ahead? Do things look so certain when you look to the future? Why doesn't your life's path seem so well-lit from that angle? And, as if the future didn't look hazy enough, how certain and decisive do things look right now? Perhaps you are currently wrestling with a big decision. Maybe you are thinking about making a significant purchase, leaving or starting a relationship, or changing the way you behave in some other way. Do you feel like you are at a clear fork in the road? When will you make your "decision"? When will you act on that decision? Do you feel sure of what you will decide, or do you feel more like you are trying to guess at where things will be in a years' time?
There is a phenomenon Psychololgists refer to as "cognitive dissonance". It goes something like this. Let's say you apply for two jobs, and are accepted for both. Which one do you choose? You like both, otherwise you wouldn't have applied for them both. There are relative advantages and disadvantages to each. Perhaps one has longer hours, but is also better paid. Perhaps one is closer to home, but the other has a bit more prestige. You think about it, and talk to people about it, and eventually accept one of the jobs, and reject the other . This is where the cognitive dissonance kicks in: You soon feel very relieved with the choice you made, and the advantages of the job you now have seem to far outweigh the disadvantages of the other job, which, now that you look at it, "really wasn't for you." You may struggle in the new position, but are likely to ultimately feel that, all things considered, you were luck to have made the right decision.
But did you really make a decision? To what degree was the decision made for you? Who and what influenced you, and how predictable were those influences? How helpful were they? How much freedom to decide did you have?
When you look at it, decisions are much more automatic, or involuntary, than we care to admit. If you leave this site and spend time "surfing the 'net", you'll be getting a taste of the way that decisions are made most of the time. The truth is, you never really know where you'll end up, so you may as well enjoy the process, and expect the unexpected.